Today made me realize that preparing our immediate family for the time when we go fulltime will probably be the hardest part of all of our preparation. After my decision last weekend to have my granddaughter from Friday after school (about 11:15) overnight until Saturday at about 12:30 every other weekend instead of every week as I have been doing, I saw that my daughter does not understand how tired and worn out I am getting. I still work in a law office from 6:30 until 1:30 Monday through Thursday every week and I still am responsible for a 14 year old at home. It had gotten to the point that when my granddaughter went home on Saturday, I would sit down and cry a little from exhaustion and then go to bed by about 6:30 that same evening. My daughter is mad at me, I can tell, but I can't continue with the every week weekends while I still hold down a job and have another child still at home. It has just become too much.
I have always been an involved granny but wonder, in light of today and the fact that my daughter is angry because I will not push myself beyond my endurance and the fact that she apparently thinks I am not seeing my granddaughter enough, what will be the eventual ramifications of hubby and I eventually moving around the country and seeing her and the grandkids occasionally but not on a regular basis.
I have always been carrying a feeling around with me that saying goodbyes to our current lifestyle as it relates to family members would be difficult but I certainly don't want to alienate my daughter and grandchildren. I love them very much. However I have spent my entire adult life raising children and want to be able to spend some time with just me and hubby. I can't seem to escape the guilt. Is this feeling something that others have had? Your opinion(s) and experience(s) with anything like this would help me greatly.
Barbaraok said
04:01 PM Mar 20, 2015
NO ONE can make you feel guilty unless you acquiesce to their demands. You raised your kids, you are not required to do more. In fact THE BEST thing you can do for your kids is to let them walk on their own. And you need to start soon rather than later. Every other weekend is still to much. Once a month for overnighters is more reasonable. And if that interfers with your daughters 'date night' well that's what growing up and being a parent is all about, including paying for a babysitter.
Barb
-- Edited by Barbaraok on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:43:18 PM
Dog Folks said
05:01 PM Mar 20, 2015
If your daughter is mad at you it for one reason: She is very selfish.
She needs to grow up and realize that SHE made those babies and they are HER responsibility.
Any true friends and family that have reached maturity should be happy for you. Some may think you are crazy, some may be jealous. If your family is similar to ours, their initial reactions might change as time goes on.
My half sister thought we were completely nuts when we first started. Now she is jealolus that we are not tied down to one house and she sees the great time we are having.
For now, ignore others, including family and do what YOU want.
-- Edited by Dog Folks on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:02:41 PM
mds1 said
05:41 PM Mar 20, 2015
"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." - Believe that's the 5th of 10 Commandments.
Don't feel bad about taking care of yourself. Both my parents have passed and I'm glad in their latter years to have supported their decisions. Both asked me how I felt about major decisions they were making. As a son, I said - you have earned the right to take care of yourself for a change. Please do what makes you happy.
I'm not sure how to prepare yours, or my family. I can say one thing for sure, they know we will be leaving fulltime someday. It is their choice as to if they except it or not. They can be mad, sad, or whatever. I know I have their love and they have mine.
We sat down with our daughter a while back. She wants what is best for us. Grandkids - we have none yet. That is a separate concern. My wife and I have already decided to return to Missouri for extended stays when and if grandchildren arrive onto the scene. I'm thinking the fun we have on the road will draw us back to the road no matter what. Wait and see on that one.
-- Edited by mds1 on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:42:45 PM
-- Edited by mds1 on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:43:34 PM
-- Edited by mds1 on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:44:54 PM
MarkS said
05:43 PM Mar 20, 2015
Hope you don't mind me being blunt but, you created the monster and you have to tame it. Your daughter needs to put on her big girl panties and realize that you have raised your kids, she needs to raise hers. I love my grandkids too. But the fiver sleeps two. They are welcome to visit, even every day when we are in town. I will mentor, teach, love, entertain, accompany, and spoil. I will not raise. I am not a built in baby sitter. Some might say they can't afford child care. What would they do if you were dead? They have two legs, let them stand on them. They have their life and they want to live it. So do you. Having said that, it's easy for me. I raised my kids to be independent.
RVKevi said
05:57 PM Mar 20, 2015
I do know what you are going through. My son's job used to require a week away every year, and his wife helped with his business and needed to go, too. We lived nearby and would take first their first child, and then when they had their second, both children for that time. Even before we went on the road, the time came that we had to say, we can't do more than about 3 days at a time. They would need to make different arrangements for longer times. Then, of course, we went on the road and couldn't do it at all. He doesn't have to do that anymore, so it is no longer a problem. Here's the thing. We were getting to see the grandkids, but not our son and dil. We'd see them long enough to say hello and good bye. Now, when we are there, we see the whole family. I don't think they realized they were doing that, but we had become babysitters and nothing more. Now when we are in the area, they know they can't get together with us "anytime." They have to do while we're there. So, in that sense, it has turned out better.
bjoyce said
07:16 PM Mar 20, 2015
When my older sister was still a baby my father got deployed and my mother stayed in military housing in San Antonio. She asked her mother to come help, so she did. My grandmother could not stand the heat in San Antonio, this was before air conditioning. After a bit she told my mother, "you married him, I didn't. I can't handle this heat and I know you can be a single mom, since I was. I am going back to where it is cooler." My mother survived, my sister survived, my mother and her mother still had a good relationship. My mother told me the story, not my grandmother.
ChefMom said
05:57 AM Mar 21, 2015
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences and advice. It is appreciated and makes me feel that I am not crazy for feeling overburdened and for wanting some time just for myself and hubby. Now I just have to stand firm on that and maybe try to get my daughter to understand. Even if she ends up not understanding, I still can't physically comply with what she wants and I will have to realize that maybe for once it is my turn to take care of myself (and of course hubby).
TRAILERKING said
12:13 PM Mar 21, 2015
MarkS wrote:
Hope you don't mind me being blunt but, you created the monster and you have to tame it. Your daughter needs to put on her big girl panties and realize that you have raised your kids, she needs to raise hers. I love my grandkids too. But the fiver sleeps two. They are welcome to visit, even every day when we are in town. I will mentor, teach, love, entertain, accompany, and spoil. I will not raise. I am not a built in baby sitter. Some might say they can't afford child care. What would they do if you were dead? They have two legs, let them stand on them. They have their life and they want to live it. So do you. Having said that, it's easy for me. I raised my kids to be independent.
That's about the best way to put it............................Real Good!
Jim01 said
02:36 PM Mar 21, 2015
ChefMom. If you make the decision to do this, make sure you "stand firm" and don't back down, no matter what!! If you do, she will have won and your daughter will never let you live your life.
Jim
Russ Ranger said
03:59 PM Mar 21, 2015
Here's a practical way to help you with the family problems. We had many of the same concerns you've expressed about family before we started fulltiming.
I started writing a blog to keep our kids, grandkids and extended family informed about our new life adventure. The blog has served many more purposes than I had originally planned.
First it expressed our planning and the thoughts that had gone into making all this happen. We were not being crazy, we were excited about the next phase in our lives. It showed that we had done our due diligence before making the leap. It is sometimes hard to express our feelings, I believe that in my writing that it was clear to everyone what was going on in my head. They could read the depth of our commitment to our plan.
Next it kept us focused on our goal. It chronicled our progress. Everyone around us started to enjoy being part of our experience.
The next benefit was that I could go back and review my own writing and photos. I didn't have to worry late at night about unknown possibilities, I had written a plan and I had a record of how it was working out for us. When we would hit a snag or a problem the blog reminded me of all the great things that had happened in the previous year. It kept everything in perspective.
Your goal is to have your family and friends be your biggest cheerleaders in this adventure. Involve them and they will grow into it.
Enjoy the adventure.
ChefMom said
06:58 AM Mar 22, 2015
Such positive and personal advice is what keeps me coming back here when I am uncertain and it seems the group on here can be counted on to give genuine advice based on what they have already experienced. This is the most invaluable kind of back and forth. Thank you again so much. I did stand my ground this weekend and it seems that the world did still continue for all involved and hubby and I woke up on Saturday and Sunday morning after full weeks at work and were able to relax, spend some time doing what we want and catch up on all of our chores. It was a wonderful break.
The Sages said
07:00 AM Mar 22, 2015
I had one grown child who was a bit "clingy." I had this nagging fear I was holding this kid back. I was. I left, and this child blossomed. Been gone 7 months though, and I can't wait to get back home to all of my family and friends in May.
Someday said
09:53 AM Mar 22, 2015
Good for you Chiefmom :) We can't be everything to everybody no matter how much we love and care about them. If you don't take care of your mental and physical well being as top priority there'll come a time when you won't be able to do much for any one.
It's naughty that you are made to feel guilty for wanting some YOU time to recharge your batteries. We for sure have noticed every so many years our patience, resolve and energy levels to take on as much have waned, frustrating at times as it is.
We tend to be very much like MarkS comments with our children, and absolutely we'll do whatever we can to support and help them in anyway we can, our eldest is give me an inch and I'll take a mile, whereas our youngest tends to be "no mom/dad, we'll do this or that to give you a break". The eldest has distanced herself more from us the past few years after being told we were made to feel like the only time we heard from her was when she needed something or to volunteer without request her Christmas shopping list every November! When she had a financial issue back in 2010 we refused to bail her out from, but guided her how to handle it, that's when I noticed she became more aloof. We tend to teach to fish than give fish. Consequently youngest daughter is very very close to us, has her head screwed on well about life and finances. On the very odd occasion if we feel we're doing a bit too much, we pull back and she recognizes it quite readily and steps up to the plate.
As Jim says, stick to your guns and don't back down, just often reinforce to her how much you love her, but ........
Aurora Borealis said
04:12 PM Mar 23, 2015
ChefMom,
This has been a helpful thread for me.
The youngest of my 6 children is a 21 yr old single mom. I tend to worry about her, then try to help too much. I have been starting to realize that when I do that, she does not realize the expense or difficulty it is to me. It actually trains her to depend on me.
My expenses have gone up and income down, so I just have to get used to not being able to help. Thankfully, she has matured a lot and is doing well.
I notice another similarity we have is that you define yourself by who you are to others ie, wife/mother/grandmother.
I Have to work at having 'my' interests and hobbies, going out for 'me' to have fun. After taking care of others so long (including my mother for 7 yrs) it is totally foreign.
I mention this because I think it plays in to the other. I would encourage you to try to find interests of your own, it is a slow transition for some of us :)
jrzygrl64 said
06:42 AM Mar 24, 2015
When we told our kids of our plans to sell the house and live/travel in an RV full-time - their comments amounted to something like "Can't believe it took you this long".
We were concerned (more for our youngest - who was 22 at the time of this conversation) for nothing. It made it very easy for us - thankfully. 😊
I should add we are not grandparents yet - but since we have already left - grandkids won't know any different when they do start arriving.
Good luck with your situation -
ChefMom said
07:52 AM Mar 24, 2015
Dawn:
You are definitely correct. It is the most difficult thing for me to think of who I actually am after caring for children most of my adult life. I am slowly but surely starting to think of myself at times but it is a work in progress. A lot of us put off so much for ourselves for so long (and we're not trying to be martyrs, just good parents and grandparent) that it is a long way back to finding yourself again. My hubby gives great encouragement in this area and I am thankful for that. I know who I used to be before children and grandchildren and I have a feeling that person is just waiting for me to dig through all the years and layers and find her. I believe that when we eventually go fulltime I will be ready because of realizing all of this now. I'd better get working!
Barbaraok said
10:09 AM Mar 24, 2015
It is wonderful to discover the people you were before children - - kind of wonderful to be out somewhere that you've never been before and all of a sudden realize that it is just the two of you like it was when you first started dating. We still hold hands as we walk - though some is for a little support as we grow old - and some days, like walking on a beach in the fog, are just magical!
Barb
TomW said
08:22 AM Mar 25, 2015
It seems like your are already starting the 'weaning' process. Good for you.
We lived several hundred miles from our first set of grandkids and saw them 2-3 times a year. They survived and are now adults with lives of their own.
We are currently living 1.5 miles from our current 5 yo grandson and grandma watches him before the school bus 3 mornings a week. BUT, this is with the prior understanding that they have to make other arrangements when we are gone. This includes our leaving next Tuesday for two months for Sevierville as well as any other summer plans we have.
Besides perhaps having a blog once you begin your travels you can keep in touch using Skype or perhaps the Apple 'Facetime' feature on your phones.
ChefMom said
05:07 AM Mar 26, 2015
Barb: You make it sound so great and just what I hope things will be that I want to start the life NOW. But I do have to wait a bit for Hubby to retire. TomW---Great idea(s) about Skype and such. Keeping in touch and being able to "be there" for them without physically being there would, I hope, reassure everyone: 1. That we truly are not crazy for wanting to fulltime; and, 2. That we are not abandoning anyone, just living OUR lives.
Terry and Jo said
06:24 AM Mar 26, 2015
Karen,
As an added thought, we recently discovered yet another benefit to being retired. When our youngest son had surgery, we were immediately able to drop everything and drive back to Oklahoma City to be there for him. No need to check with bosses for time off or any of that. Our case might would be different in that we stay in one place for extended periods of time, so we pay monthly for our site, but a lot of times, arrangements can be made in case one has to fly or drive back to be with family.
Terry
Camper Chronicles said
06:49 AM Mar 26, 2015
I had my three children very young and my mother and father were both working full time (and raising my much younger brother and sister) when the kids were small. Did I resent the fact that I didn't have more help at the time...sure, but now as I am facing being a grandmother I totally get it. Fast forward and my brother has now had his first child and my mother is retired. She has more time but less energy and she is facing the same challenge of how much time to give. At the end of the day as so many others have said , it was their choice and they need to own it. You only have one life and its your responsibility to live it to its fullest. I get the guilt..it's normal and frankly means your a good person,...but guilt should never be a motivating factor on your choices or you just end up resentful and angry. Believe me kids pick up on that sort of thing...so do you want them to remember you has fun grandma who made every visit a joy or bitter grandma who always seemed annoyed by them??
Just my thoughts...Trace
ChefMom said
07:37 AM Mar 27, 2015
Terry: One of the many very good reasons behind retiring and going fulltime.
Trace: Well, of course I want to be fun Grandma and with every weekend overnights I know I was not. Today I am expecting the little miss for our every other weekend arrangement and am going to be so glad to see her. Small breaks certainly do help and I'm so glad I didn't allow my daughter to guilt me into every week which was really draining me.
Cactuskate said
07:23 PM Jun 4, 2015
The way I see this, you are still educating your daughter about how to live her life. By setting a good example (taking care of yourself, sharing yourself with her and the grandkids, giving of yourself to the outer world) you are being a really wonderful parent and grandparent. Of course she might initially resent that you are limiting the free babysitting, but you just need to be clear and firm about it and let her grow into the changes. If you spend your life filling in for her, she will never know how to take care of herself and won't be able to teach her children how to either. It's wonderful that you have had so much time with your granddaughter, but not your obligation to continue that level of care. It is your obligation to be clear so that the granddaughter does not feel abandoned and your daughter has the chance to reorganize herself.
I really don't like how it sounds that your daughter does not seem to understand the toll this has taken on you, both physically and emotionally. She really needs to get some perspective. If she is the kind of person where things are all about her, then things will get rough. But you still have to take care of yourself first. My daughter is just graduating college and I really miss the closeness that we had when she lived with me and came to me for advice, and we spent our vacations together. She will always be my favorite person on the planet. But I want her to have adventures, her own life, and she can't do that if I am always there. And I treasure my time with my husband too. So it is time to step back.
Be loving and kind, but be clear. Don't let guilt trap you, it is a real waste of human energy.
Today made me realize that preparing our immediate family for the time when we go fulltime will probably be the hardest part of all of our preparation. After my decision last weekend to have my granddaughter from Friday after school (about 11:15) overnight until Saturday at about 12:30 every other weekend instead of every week as I have been doing, I saw that my daughter does not understand how tired and worn out I am getting. I still work in a law office from 6:30 until 1:30 Monday through Thursday every week and I still am responsible for a 14 year old at home. It had gotten to the point that when my granddaughter went home on Saturday, I would sit down and cry a little from exhaustion and then go to bed by about 6:30 that same evening. My daughter is mad at me, I can tell, but I can't continue with the every week weekends while I still hold down a job and have another child still at home. It has just become too much.
I have always been an involved granny but wonder, in light of today and the fact that my daughter is angry because I will not push myself beyond my endurance and the fact that she apparently thinks I am not seeing my granddaughter enough, what will be the eventual ramifications of hubby and I eventually moving around the country and seeing her and the grandkids occasionally but not on a regular basis.
I have always been carrying a feeling around with me that saying goodbyes to our current lifestyle as it relates to family members would be difficult but I certainly don't want to alienate my daughter and grandchildren. I love them very much. However I have spent my entire adult life raising children and want to be able to spend some time with just me and hubby. I can't seem to escape the guilt. Is this feeling something that others have had? Your opinion(s) and experience(s) with anything like this would help me greatly.
NO ONE can make you feel guilty unless you acquiesce to their demands. You raised your kids, you are not required to do more. In fact THE BEST thing you can do for your kids is to let them walk on their own. And you need to start soon rather than later. Every other weekend is still to much. Once a month for overnighters is more reasonable. And if that interfers with your daughters 'date night' well that's what growing up and being a parent is all about, including paying for a babysitter.
Barb
-- Edited by Barbaraok on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:43:18 PM
If your daughter is mad at you it for one reason: She is very selfish.
She needs to grow up and realize that SHE made those babies and they are HER responsibility.
Any true friends and family that have reached maturity should be happy for you. Some may think you are crazy, some may be jealous. If your family is similar to ours, their initial reactions might change as time goes on.
My half sister thought we were completely nuts when we first started. Now she is jealolus that we are not tied down to one house and she sees the great time we are having.
For now, ignore others, including family and do what YOU want.
-- Edited by Dog Folks on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:02:41 PM
"Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you." - Believe that's the 5th of 10 Commandments.
Don't feel bad about taking care of yourself. Both my parents have passed and I'm glad in their latter years to have supported their decisions. Both asked me how I felt about major decisions they were making. As a son, I said - you have earned the right to take care of yourself for a change. Please do what makes you happy.
I'm not sure how to prepare yours, or my family. I can say one thing for sure, they know we will be leaving fulltime someday. It is their choice as to if they except it or not. They can be mad, sad, or whatever. I know I have their love and they have mine.
We sat down with our daughter a while back. She wants what is best for us. Grandkids - we have none yet. That is a separate concern. My wife and I have already decided to return to Missouri for extended stays when and if grandchildren arrive onto the scene. I'm thinking the fun we have on the road will draw us back to the road no matter what. Wait and see on that one.
-- Edited by mds1 on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:42:45 PM
-- Edited by mds1 on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:43:34 PM
-- Edited by mds1 on Friday 20th of March 2015 05:44:54 PM
That's about the best way to put it............................Real Good!
ChefMom. If you make the decision to do this, make sure you "stand firm" and don't back down, no matter what!! If you do, she will have won and your daughter will never let you live your life.
Jim
I started writing a blog to keep our kids, grandkids and extended family informed about our new life adventure. The blog has served many more purposes than I had originally planned.
First it expressed our planning and the thoughts that had gone into making all this happen. We were not being crazy, we were excited about the next phase in our lives. It showed that we had done our due diligence before making the leap. It is sometimes hard to express our feelings, I believe that in my writing that it was clear to everyone what was going on in my head. They could read the depth of our commitment to our plan.
Next it kept us focused on our goal. It chronicled our progress. Everyone around us started to enjoy being part of our experience.
The next benefit was that I could go back and review my own writing and photos. I didn't have to worry late at night about unknown possibilities, I had written a plan and I had a record of how it was working out for us. When we would hit a snag or a problem the blog reminded me of all the great things that had happened in the previous year. It kept everything in perspective.
Your goal is to have your family and friends be your biggest cheerleaders in this adventure. Involve them and they will grow into it.
Enjoy the adventure.
It's naughty that you are made to feel guilty for wanting some YOU time to recharge your batteries. We for sure have noticed every so many years our patience, resolve and energy levels to take on as much have waned, frustrating at times as it is.
We tend to be very much like MarkS comments with our children, and absolutely we'll do whatever we can to support and help them in anyway we can, our eldest is give me an inch and I'll take a mile, whereas our youngest tends to be "no mom/dad, we'll do this or that to give you a break". The eldest has distanced herself more from us the past few years after being told we were made to feel like the only time we heard from her was when she needed something or to volunteer without request her Christmas shopping list every November! When she had a financial issue back in 2010 we refused to bail her out from, but guided her how to handle it, that's when I noticed she became more aloof. We tend to teach to fish than give fish. Consequently youngest daughter is very very close to us, has her head screwed on well about life and finances. On the very odd occasion if we feel we're doing a bit too much, we pull back and she recognizes it quite readily and steps up to the plate.
As Jim says, stick to your guns and don't back down, just often reinforce to her how much you love her, but ........
This has been a helpful thread for me.
The youngest of my 6 children is a 21 yr old single mom. I tend to worry about her, then try to help too much. I have been starting to realize that when I do that, she does not realize the expense or difficulty it is to me. It actually trains her to depend on me.
My expenses have gone up and income down, so I just have to get used to not being able to help. Thankfully, she has matured a lot and is doing well.
I notice another similarity we have is that you define yourself by who you are to others ie, wife/mother/grandmother.
I Have to work at having 'my' interests and hobbies, going out for 'me' to have fun. After taking care of others so long (including my mother for 7 yrs) it is totally foreign.
I mention this because I think it plays in to the other. I would encourage you to try to find interests of your own, it is a slow transition for some of us :)
We were concerned (more for our youngest - who was 22 at the time of this conversation) for nothing. It made it very easy for us - thankfully. 😊
I should add we are not grandparents yet - but since we have already left - grandkids won't know any different when they do start arriving.
Good luck with your situation -
You are definitely correct. It is the most difficult thing for me to think of who I actually am after caring for children most of my adult life. I am slowly but surely starting to think of myself at times but it is a work in progress. A lot of us put off so much for ourselves for so long (and we're not trying to be martyrs, just good parents and grandparent) that it is a long way back to finding yourself again. My hubby gives great encouragement in this area and I am thankful for that. I know who I used to be before children and grandchildren and I have a feeling that person is just waiting for me to dig through all the years and layers and find her. I believe that when we eventually go fulltime I will be ready because of realizing all of this now. I'd better get working!
Barb
We lived several hundred miles from our first set of grandkids and saw them 2-3 times a year. They survived and are now adults with lives of their own.
We are currently living 1.5 miles from our current 5 yo grandson and grandma watches him before the school bus 3 mornings a week. BUT, this is with the prior understanding that they have to make other arrangements when we are gone. This includes our leaving next Tuesday for two months for Sevierville as well as any other summer plans we have.
Besides perhaps having a blog once you begin your travels you can keep in touch using Skype or perhaps the Apple 'Facetime' feature on your phones.
Karen,
As an added thought, we recently discovered yet another benefit to being retired. When our youngest son had surgery, we were immediately able to drop everything and drive back to Oklahoma City to be there for him. No need to check with bosses for time off or any of that. Our case might would be different in that we stay in one place for extended periods of time, so we pay monthly for our site, but a lot of times, arrangements can be made in case one has to fly or drive back to be with family.
Terry
Just my thoughts...Trace
Terry: One of the many very good reasons behind retiring and going fulltime.
Trace: Well, of course I want to be fun Grandma and with every weekend overnights I know I was not. Today I am expecting the little miss for our every other weekend arrangement and am going to be so glad to see her. Small breaks certainly do help and I'm so glad I didn't allow my daughter to guilt me into every week which was really draining me.
I really don't like how it sounds that your daughter does not seem to understand the toll this has taken on you, both physically and emotionally. She really needs to get some perspective. If she is the kind of person where things are all about her, then things will get rough. But you still have to take care of yourself first. My daughter is just graduating college and I really miss the closeness that we had when she lived with me and came to me for advice, and we spent our vacations together. She will always be my favorite person on the planet. But I want her to have adventures, her own life, and she can't do that if I am always there. And I treasure my time with my husband too. So it is time to step back.
Be loving and kind, but be clear. Don't let guilt trap you, it is a real waste of human energy.