Genecop, that is THE NUMBER ONE THING I have learned throughout this process. It seems selfish on our part to put her in a home, but it seems even more selfish to ask someone to care for you in your old age. Even my own mother has told her children, repeatedly, that she does NOT want her children to stop living their lives to care for her. I told her, "After this experience, you have nothing to worry about, mom." Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the time comes you can no longer care for yourself, what is left, and why would someone even consider asking someone to take care of them? Why ask someone else, as you said, to stop living their lives? That just doesn't seem 'fair'. It's a tough call, though, when you think you're doing the 'right thing'. It's a struggle, no matter how you look at it. So, my DH and I have also grown old over the past 1.5 years. No activity, no accomplishments to speak of... working and caregiving is a heavy, heavy load. We are hoping to make up for lost time... one day. Considering all of this, we are still VERY blessed as others are suffering much more than us. God has a greater plan, I know. I am waiting on Him!
Oh, and what you said about 'resentment'? Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!
-- Edited by Mary Sunshine on Saturday 30th of March 2013 12:44:18 PM
Jo And Craig said
06:34 PM Mar 30, 2013
Well, I have been lurking for a while because I haven't had anything to share, really. As most of you know, my DH and I are caring for his 89 year old aunt who lives with us. I am eligible to retire in 20 weeks, but not so sure that will happen under these circumstances. (Only by the grace of God!) And, our dream is to full-time... one day. Well, this lifestyle finally got the better of me and I had a "melt down" this past week. My DH and I decided, after 1.5 years of caregiving, that we do have a life and we should live it as best we can, under the circumstances. So, we decided to go on a vacation, regardless of our circumstances. We have 2 wonderful young ladies who help out during the day, and they have agreed to spend 24/7 caring for our aunt while we are gone. Where do we go was the first question we asked each other. The answer was easy. Because of the family here on RV-Dreams, we have met a WONDERFUL Canadian couple who have been full-timing since October... here in the states. As they were passing through Texas, recently, we met them at a state park conveniently located to our S&B. (We have corresponded since last July/August.) It was 'love at first sight'. Well, guess what? As of 2 days ago, all of us have decided that we will meet them in Oregon in less than 2 weeks, rent an RV, and join them for 10 WONDERFUL days. Although my DH and I have NEVER been RVing before, and things do get quite comical at times, we will manage. We have good friends, and teachers, who are willing to take us under their wings, share with us, and teach us the ropes. I have done my research for the past 1.5 years, so we are not doing this completely blind. We've had many laughs already, and I'm sure there are many more to come. Our reservations for this 'trip' are already made... all we need to do now is pack!
Thanks, M&L, and to all of you who have lifted me up and have helped to keep my dream alive. For that, I am most grateful.
Hoping to meet you on the road one day... Good Lord willin' and the creeks don't rise!!!
Lucky Mike said
07:07 PM Mar 30, 2013
Live it!!!!!!!!!......................
You are so lucky to be able to "apprentice" under another RVer as you go ..........Enjoy yourself and soon if and when it feels right you will be Fulltiming!!!!
GENECOP said
07:20 PM Mar 30, 2013
I would not want anyone to give up the Dreams they have to care for me. We all have just one life, (as far as we know) Sacrifice is OK to a point, to deny yourself your dreams is not fair to you and always creates resentment....find a way.....
Terry and Jo said
12:15 AM Mar 31, 2013
Jo,
I am glad to hear that you are doing this vacation. Even should you eventually decide to continue providing care, the time you are away and seeing other things will rejuvenate you, if nothing else. Beyond that, you will have the opportunity to learn so much by actually being with RV'ers and in campgrounds. There is nothing like "eyes-on" and "feet on the ground" to at least get a sense of the lifestyle, even if it works out to be part-time.
My Jo had to deal with both her mother in a nursing home for a number of years and her dad was with us in our home when his time came. He had seen what his wife went through and was extremely fearful that he would experience the same. Cancer was part of what took him, but when he went, he was with loved ones and able to look out of a nearly wall-sized window to see the trees and a pond outside.
Being a caregiver is extremely stressful, and I doubt that either my Jo or myself would want our family members to have to sacrifice so much of their own lives, just to make us comfortable.
Good luck with your trip to the Northwest. You will find parts of that to be absolutely beautiful.
Terry
WestWardHo said
12:17 AM Mar 31, 2013
My father who will be 98 in June was just placed in an assisted living home by his 87 yard old wife. She is so full of anger and resentment because she had to take care of him 24/7 by herself for the past 2.5 years. However she would not let us help even though we live just a block away because she didn't want to "feel obligated". Near his last days we weren't even allowed to visit. We (my sibs) and I kept telling her he had enough money to get help. He, of course, was perfectly happy because he could sit in the sun and watch the birds and get his homemade meals. He seemed not to care that she was exhausted yet was aware enough to realize she was. I think many of the very old go "inside themselves" and become more self involved. He's very content in the nursing home and now I can visit him often!!! I also believe many states have help (funds) for the elderly who don't have their own.
For what it's worth. Sherry
Alie and Jims Carrilite said
02:53 AM Mar 31, 2013
My wife is a hospice nurse. For the past 9 years I have seen family after family put their plans on hold for days, months, years... One feels obligated to take care of one's elders... ...to a fault. I have seen familys split, divorces, and even a suicide because of the 24hr non stop care required. If there are funds are available to pay for private care, take advantage of it. If you have power of attorney- exercise it, it is not wrong to have a family member in a nursing home... it isn't wrong to have a family member commited either! Follow your dreams... Breathe, live, repeat, enjoy
Genecop, that is THE NUMBER ONE THING I have learned throughout this process. It seems selfish on our part to put her in a home, but it seems even more selfish to ask someone to care for you in your old age. Even my own mother has told her children, repeatedly, that she does NOT want her children to stop living their lives to care for her. I told her, "After this experience, you have nothing to worry about, mom." Correct me if I'm wrong, but when the time comes you can no longer care for yourself, what is left, and why would someone even consider asking someone to take care of them? Why ask someone else, as you said, to stop living their lives? That just doesn't seem 'fair'. It's a tough call, though, when you think you're doing the 'right thing'. It's a struggle, no matter how you look at it. So, my DH and I have also grown old over the past 1.5 years. No activity, no accomplishments to speak of... working and caregiving is a heavy, heavy load. We are hoping to make up for lost time... one day. Considering all of this, we are still VERY blessed as others are suffering much more than us. God has a greater plan, I know. I am waiting on Him!
Oh, and what you said about 'resentment'? Ditto! Ditto! Ditto!
-- Edited by Mary Sunshine on Saturday 30th of March 2013 12:44:18 PM
Well, I have been lurking for a while because I haven't had anything to share, really. As most of you know, my DH and I are caring for his 89 year old aunt who lives with us. I am eligible to retire in 20 weeks, but not so sure that will happen under these circumstances. (Only by the grace of God!) And, our dream is to full-time... one day. Well, this lifestyle finally got the better of me and I had a "melt down" this past week. My DH and I decided, after 1.5 years of caregiving, that we do have a life and we should live it as best we can, under the circumstances. So, we decided to go on a vacation, regardless of our circumstances. We have 2 wonderful young ladies who help out during the day, and they have agreed to spend 24/7 caring for our aunt while we are gone. Where do we go was the first question we asked each other. The answer was easy. Because of the family here on RV-Dreams, we have met a WONDERFUL Canadian couple who have been full-timing since October... here in the states. As they were passing through Texas, recently, we met them at a state park conveniently located to our S&B. (We have corresponded since last July/August.) It was 'love at first sight'. Well, guess what? As of 2 days ago, all of us have decided that we will meet them in Oregon in less than 2 weeks, rent an RV, and join them for 10 WONDERFUL days. Although my DH and I have NEVER been RVing before, and things do get quite comical at times, we will manage. We have good friends, and teachers, who are willing to take us under their wings, share with us, and teach us the ropes. I have done my research for the past 1.5 years, so we are not doing this completely blind. We've had many laughs already, and I'm sure there are many more to come. Our reservations for this 'trip' are already made... all we need to do now is pack!
Thanks, M&L, and to all of you who have lifted me up and have helped to keep my dream alive. For that, I am most grateful.
Hoping to meet you on the road one day... Good Lord willin' and the creeks don't rise!!!
You are so lucky to be able to "apprentice" under another RVer as you go ..........Enjoy yourself and soon if and when it feels right you will be Fulltiming!!!!
Jo,
I am glad to hear that you are doing this vacation. Even should you eventually decide to continue providing care, the time you are away and seeing other things will rejuvenate you, if nothing else. Beyond that, you will have the opportunity to learn so much by actually being with RV'ers and in campgrounds. There is nothing like "eyes-on" and "feet on the ground" to at least get a sense of the lifestyle, even if it works out to be part-time.
My Jo had to deal with both her mother in a nursing home for a number of years and her dad was with us in our home when his time came. He had seen what his wife went through and was extremely fearful that he would experience the same. Cancer was part of what took him, but when he went, he was with loved ones and able to look out of a nearly wall-sized window to see the trees and a pond outside.
Being a caregiver is extremely stressful, and I doubt that either my Jo or myself would want our family members to have to sacrifice so much of their own lives, just to make us comfortable.
Good luck with your trip to the Northwest. You will find parts of that to be absolutely beautiful.
Terry
I also believe many states have help (funds) for the elderly who don't have their own.
For what it's worth.
Sherry
One feels obligated to take care of one's elders... ...to a fault. I have seen familys split, divorces, and even a suicide because of the 24hr non stop care required. If there are funds are available to pay for private care, take advantage of it. If you have power of attorney- exercise it, it is not wrong to have a family member in a nursing home... it isn't wrong to have a family member commited either! Follow your dreams...
Breathe, live, repeat, enjoy